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| Too hot to be related o me |
Everyone's had the 'Who Would Play You In A Film Of Your Life?' chat at some point, if only for a few seconds. And, once you get past the fact that you look nothing like Pitt or Kunis, or any other photogenic human, the answers can be pretty revealing. Not because it shows who we like or respect, but because it shows, to a degree, how we view ourselves. But what if we took that one stage further? If there's a film of my life (piss off, there might be) then I wouldn't be (completely) alone, who plays the rest of the clan? Is it important to know? No. Have I run of out ideas for threads? Possibly.
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| And that's why you're not my dad |
First up, mother. My first thoughts were along the lines of Pfeiffer, but then it would get all Oedipal and cease being tasteful. Ditto Marisa Tomei, maybe just old enough, but I'm not sure I want friends saying my mum is hot, even if it's fictional.
At the other end of the spectrum, the Helen Mirren factor screams at me, but she's possibly a wee bit old. But I need that air of gravitas, someone who delivers authority and coolness simultaneously. It comes down to two. Annett Bening v Meryl Streep, with the former winning out on the basis that my mates wouldn't want to nail her.
The father figure, then. Hmmm, I'd like Alec Baldwin, but he's insane and more of a junkie uncle. Dustin Hoffman is cool, but maybe too feminine and eccentric to gain my full imaginary boyhood respect. I did consider Gene Hackman, but he seems slimy and I'd always be worried he'd crack on to my auntie (Joan Cusack), so he's out. A close second is Tom Selleck, but the hirsuteness of the man borderline terrifies me, so I'm just left with Richard Jenkins, which is nice. Plus I think he'll get on with mum.
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| Willow. Like the tree. |
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| He's my brother now |
Next up: Brother. Important one this, I can't afford to be much cooler than me or my narrative will suffer, so options become sharply limited. Not too good looking, nor one step away from a dark cave. So the honour (yes, it's an honour) goes to Casey Affleck as my lucky brother, combining complete anonymity and socipathic tendencies like it's not even a 'thing'.
Of course, he and we need a sister. A little sister. And no-one likes their little sister. So I'm gonna make it Willow Smith, just to mess with expectation. Plus, it shows we are progressive. To finish off the ensemble, I need to enlist a pair of grandparents, the kind of old folk who will, at once, supply you with booze and petty cash whilst retaining their own teeth and bowel movements.
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| By cuddles, I mean sex. |
Step forward.......Imelda Staunton, who mainly makes the family on the back of her Vera Drake gig.Not particularly uplifting I know, but I have a feeling my cousin (Dakota Fanning) might need her for that very reason sooner or later.
Last, and pretty much least, I need a grandfather. An off the rails, bad influence, worse role model grandfather. Michael Caine came close but is too sane, Richard Jenkins would be good but fuck, he's my dad. So it's left to Donald Sutherland, on the basis that he has facial hair on tap and Keifer may visit every other weekend.
I think my family is less a montage of how I view myself and more of a list of people I could think of. But it would be still be a good family Christmas, especially if Auntie Monica Bellucci turns up for 'cuddles'.
