Cockroaches & Robert Lindsay

We pay £150 a year for our TV license in the UK. In the USA, American's pay nothing. They are rewarded with the likes of 'Game of Thrones' & 'Boardwalk Empire'.
We get 'In With The Flynns' with Will 'do anything for mainstream attention' Mellor.
'Boardwalk Empire' vs Will Mellor. Away win.

Yes, it's stretching a point. Of course, a lot of the great US produce comes through HBO, historically a pay-per-view and therefore no different to Sky Box Office and the like. And, naturally, American TV is capable of laying frequently enormous turd balls for every golden egg. But the point remains.

Why can't we be good at TV?

I know we have great stuff, i know there's the odd gem that makes us think that the £150 is well spent, and that we are still the pioneers of the small screen. Well ,we're not. Apparently (and this may be a joke), the US used to model themselves and their output on the Beeb, citing our national institution as the flagship for quality and integrity. Maybe they did, maybe indeed they still do, but they sure aren't modelling themselves on 'Holby City' or 'Traffic Cops' (at least, they'd better fucking not be)

A look at 1 page of TV listings today, and i counted 63 repeats, on 5 channels. SIXTY THREE.
'But they're great shows, and great shows are timeless'. No. Bollocks. Great shows become really good, then they become nostalgic, then they morph into timepieces, before arriving at desperation. Try showing a 16 year old from where I live an episode of 'Porridge'. See what happens. Before they remove your eyes.

"Can't believe we've got away with 13 series'"

I'm exaggerating, obviously. We only get the best stuff as imports, the grass is always greener, yada, yada. But it's true. It's true every time  I watch CSI and realise that, despite not really enjoying it, the skill on show and in writing is formidable. It's true every time i switch over and watch Robert Lindsay, the money grabbing, soul sapping, legacy fucking anti-hero of 'My Family'. A series which, brace yourselves, was re-commissioned 167 times. Or something.




Put it this way, look at the talent the US has managed to attract to the small screen. Alec Baldwin,Greg Kinnear, Edie Falco, Peter Gallagher, Tim Roth, Al Pacino, Gabriel Byrne. The list is endless.
What do we get? Idris Elba in 'Luther' . Oh. Cheers. Yep, great actor, yep, i'm sure it's a good show, but he's a man who carved his career in 'The Wire', which makes him, despite any claims to the contrary, another import.



And it's not money that lures all the talent, it can't be. Maybe it's the captive tin box audience of hundreds of millions on their sofas that swings it. Maybe, but I doubt it. Which leaves one thing. The shows themselves.

Look at the scrapes they get into! Hilarious.

I may sit down of a Sunday and despise the new Channel 4 drama set in 1970's Yorkshire (always 1970's fucking Yorkshire) written by some upstart who does his OWN PR  But it beats Big Brother, it smashes 'The Last of The Summer Wine', and, culturally, it shags 'Two Pints of Lager.......' in the blowhole.

We didn't become the envy of the world by being coy, by playing safe, and by adhering to formula. We did it by setting standards, by daring. Even talents like Alan Cumming, Anna Friel, and Jane Leeves have to emigrate to fulfil, well..............anything good.
The odd smattering of gold dust swimming in a sea of mediocrity doesn't cut it, not even close. I want big stars in British shows. But they won't come for kicks. Or money. They've got enough and the prospect of playing King Lear in the West End is a wee bit more enticing than cameoing in 'New Tricks'.

Former glories are just that. Nostalgia should always be a side show.

Build it and they will come. Write it and we will watch.

Schindler's Pissed.

'Labyrinth'. Kitsch. Embedded in the 1980's. Dated beyond belief. Dodgy effects. David Bowie with a platinum mullet type thing and a motive for action that seems no more complex than 'just for shits and giggles'.
Overall, not a great film...............................
Seen it about 20 times.

'Schindler's List'. Epic. Moving. By all accounts, superb.
Seen it once. And that's plenty.

Why? Well, in the case of this obvious example, because one is easy to watch. The other is hard.
But in a wider context, why would I prefer to watch something rubbish than something challenging, something infinitely better made, something that's apparently 'rewarding'?

Malcolm X: Even the cover's worthy

Example : i've owned 'Malcolm X' for over 3 years now. Great reviews, allegedly a classic. Picked it up and read the cover on at least 5 occasions. And, on three of these occasions, i've set it back down in favour of classics such as 'S.W.A.T', 'Old School', and 'Happy Gilmore' (viewing number 6)

Fly Trap: Excellent metaphorical tool

It comes down to this: Laziness. For some perverse reason, it's more appealing time-wise to watch two 2 hour films, than one 3 hour epic. I don't mind paying attention and concentrating bastard hard on a non-linear plot that sucks me in like Venus Fly-Trap and shits me out like a pigeon.

But i want to do it on my terms. If i go to the cinema then by all means Mr. Spike Lee, show me your wares at whatever pace you deem suitable. I've paid for my seat. I ain't leaving.
But when i've selected you off the shelf, ahead of hundreds of others, entertain me mother fucker. I've been at work all day, I'm eating Alpen for dinner, i don't have time for your biblical allegories and what-not. I'm tired and i can easily turn you off and go watch Traffic Cops.

There is, of course, a middle ground, the place where quality and familiarity can meet and be at one without having to be made by Pixar. 'Stand By Me' and 'Back To The Future' are two examples, films that are almost like extended family members, endlessly quotable yet clever enough to deliver for both teens and octogenarians alike. Could, and probably will ,watch them again and again, without moaning or longing not to know what's coming next.

Then there's 'Oldboy', 'The Passion of The Christ', 'JFK', and a million others. More complex, more rewarding pictures on many levels, but undeniably less accessible. Subtitles? Piss off.  Religion? Jog on.

Christmas movie?

There needs to be a compromise, a halfway house which wraps you up like 'Home Alone' yet pokes you in the eye like 'American Psycho'. Popular will never equal quality, and nor should it. It our music charts were reflective of genius, then Chipmunk will have a knighthood come December.
And the next Oliver Stone flick is unlikely to gross anywhere near that of the next Shrek (hear me. There will be more. 857 more), which is fine, expected, and normal.

And if you want to show me 'The Great Escape' at 5pm every Bank Holiday until the end of time, do it, see if i give a shit. But help me out, just a bit. Make the inaccessible slightly less so. I beg of you, don't put the only terrestrial screening of 'Pi' on a 4am on BBC2. I'm keen, not a fucking insomniac.

The Polar Express: Take my eyes, just take them

And until the inaccessible isn't the sole domain of freaks, geeks, the marginalised, and the Jeremy Kyle chaser, then there will be no room for new classics. We will be stuck with 'Babe 2: Pig In The City' every Christmas. Forever.
Bit by bit, little by little, shake it up. It doesn't have mean showings of 'Antichrist' after 'Only Fools & Horses', but it does mean something. Anything. If you make people chase gold in the snow, they'll stay indoors (that made sense in my head)
I don't want 'The Human Centipede' as the New Year's Day movie premiere.
But i won't stand for the The Polar Fucking Express either.

Text, Lies & Videotape

The TopMan autumn collection went back to basics

The best thing about Star Wars is the combination of narrative and effects, ensuring that even when the latter become dated, the former lives on, unblemished. Or, the best thing about Star Wars is the immense scope, the fearless ambition and dedication to a world so contrived it makes Supermarket Sweep seem organic.
Or, the best thing could be the spectacle, just the sheer damn greatness of the whole thing.
Could be, could be any of these. Truth is, I haven't seen it. Watched 20 minutes at Christmas once, but nothing else. Zilch. Nada. Diddly fuck.
I've probably read 100 articles and 50 essays about it. Never seen it. Looks rubbish.

But, here's the rub. I don't need to. I know more than enough to hold a conversation (a boring conversation) with anyone who deems it appropriate. I know what Princess Leia looks like, i giggle at the Simpsons' knowing references, and i know that it's safe to shout 'Yoda' at someone who is well old.
Does this make me wanna see it? Nah. Don't wanna. Don't need to.

Citizen Kane 2: This time it's serious

But i proclaim to love film, i make out it's a passion and even, arrogantly, a subject on which i can talk at length with people who smell bad and wear berets. Surely this isn't right? Surely anyone placing themselves on a cinematic pedestal of knowledge needs to be able to quote Citizen Kane backwards, have 17 leather bound books on Truffaut, and laugh at people who didn't enjoy the feminist Malaysian cinema movement of the 90's? (there wasn't one).

Well, bollocks. You don't have to pretend, people. There can be a world in which we can join together and laugh at the schmucks who don't get the end of Bladerunner, and STILL not have to have seen even a minute of The Gold Rush. We can have it all.

Because there's a fine line between knowledge and pretension, between passion and sycophancy, but it's a line worth straddling. Now is the time to come clean, to demolish the myth that we can enjoy a shit film non-ironically, to show that insight isn't the sole preserve of the archetypes.

Get your opinions here

I have an opinion, an opinion not delivered by the Guardian, nor to be found in any BFT tome. It is mine. It will often be shit. But it will be mine.

So don't watch Star Wars if you don't want to. Don't imagine you live in a world where respect will only be bestowed upon you if your DVD collection is at least 25% black and white. You don't have to smoke roll-ups, you don't have to be disparaging of BBC drama, you don't have to be anything other than informed.

N.B. I've seen 'Citizen Kane'. It lags in the middle.