The Myth of Cult

In cinema, the word 'cult' can be a dangerous one. All too often, it's a lazy, catch-all term used to describe a film that is loved by no more than three people, and is invariably shit. At the other end of the spectrum, there's a film like 'The Shawshank Redemption'. No box office success, little marketing, and pretty much no hope, 'Shawshank's fortunes were transformed, thanks to the advent of the DVD market, into one of the most rented, watched, and loved films of the modern era, a movie that began as cult, and became the complete opposite, the very definition of mainstream. 

Don't be fooled, he'd just waded through shit.

'Shawshank' became so nauseatingly popular to the point where I once told someone that I didn't really like it that much, and they looked at me as if I'd just admitted to injecting babies with ketamin. Indeed, to even have such a thing as a 'cult film' these days is difficult, with everything so readily available, transparent, and the potential to have an online following of millions at the touch of a button.
But the emergence of various pop-up and outdoor cinemas over recent years has allowed some of the true cult films to strutt their stuff in front of a contemporary audience in the way in which they were intended. Not on ITV3 on a Wednesday night at 2am after a show about Peter Andre waxing his arse, but on the big screen, whilst sitting on a beanbag next to someone who smells as if they may well have just pissed themselves.

Dear Peter, no-one cares.

Next weekend's Backyard Cinema (http://www.backyardcinema.co.uk/) sees some of these cult films get the outing they deserve. 'Tremors' arrived back in 1990, at the very back-end of the golden era of cult film which included guilty pleasures like 'Labyrinth', the mentally unbalanced 'Re-Animator', and of course 'This Is Spinal Tap'. Given that 'Tremors' is now almost 25 years old, there's unlikely to be many (any?) folk at BYC who ever saw the 'Graboids' (translation: big fucking worms) at the cinema. Of course, it isn't the best flick ever made, and never intends to be. But it's a thousand times more enjoyable than 'Schindler's List' and only half as long. (Yeah. I went there.) And Kevin Bacon is in it. (YOU KNOW KEVIN BACON RIGHT, KIDS? HE'S THE ONE FROM THE 'EE' ADVERTS >).

The 1980's in a nutshell.

BYC will also be showing what, in many people's eyes, is the very film that defines 'cult'. Hard to believe back in 1998 that an independent comedy about kidnapping, drinking, and bowling would go on to become perhaps the most quoted film of a generation, but that's what 'The Big Lebowski' has done. It even has it's own 2 day festival where they show the film, talk about it, and bowl. Personally I think that's taking it a bit too far, but each to their own.

Recent years have seen something of a decline in true cult film. 1999's 'Fight Club' began that way, with awful reviews, dreadful cinema takings, and many campaigns to ban it from the start, but has now been (rightly) recognised as the brilliantly black comedy it is, and not the disgustingly violent and manipulative drivel that Daily Mail readers (my nan) would have you believe. A few years later, and the notorious 'The Room' began it's road to cult status, to the point where the Prince Charles Cinema in Soho still shows it regularly and to packed crowds. Apparently, people take along spoons and talk along to the favourite bits of the film. I would not like to meet any of these people, but I've been told they exist.

Too. Many. Drugs.

But the most frequent examples of the cult film flourish came in the 1970's and 80's. Although well known and highly regarded today, movies such as 'A Clockwork Orange', 'Withnail And I', and 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show' had tricky beginnings, initially receiving only a fraction of the appreciation they now maintain. The explosion of the DVD market two decades ago have made it possible for many forgotten or undiscovered gems to force their way into the public consciousness, and watching this type of film on a big screen with beer and burger in hand is simply an extension of this. But pop-up cinema has it's own rules, people, so abide by these and we'll get along fine:

5) - Put your mobile away. We may not be in an Odeon but I'll still smash up your Samsung Galaxy if it rings again, dig?

4) - Don't lie back too far in a deck chair. If you do, it can take up to 12 minutes to get up again. And don't lie back on a beanbag. 

At all. 

Just don't.

3) - If taking a loo break, remember the toilets may be within earshot of the audience, so best not to be singing Tatu's 'All The Things She Said' as you dry your hands and come out again. Trust me. 

2) - Do not bring plastic bags full of loud snacks such as Pringles or carrots with you. There's rules here, this isn't fucking Vietnam.

1) -  People seem more attractive at pop-up cinemas than at regular cinemas. 

This is because you are drunk.

Hollywood House Party

So, I'm having a dinner party (I'm not, as the house I live in has no communal area, but bear with me), and the one thing I need, more than nibbles, bunting, and an up to date version of Buckaroo, is people. Not just normal people, film people. 'Sexier Than Us Film People'. Imagine 'Come Dine With Me', but with a far richer set of retards. I've only got four other chairs, so who do I invite, and why? 

Considering the first course is probably not going to blow their minds (Big Soup was on a 3for2 in Tesco), I cannot consider inviting anyone who might turn their nose up at my shit venue and entertainment. I should probably invite someone stately, maybe an Anthony Hopkins or Helen Mirren, to keep the whole thing at a certain level. But, to be frank, the place is a shithole and I've heard Hopkins can become a belligerent bastard when there's too much Chianti flying around, so they're a no-go.

It's PARTY TIME

Eventually, just to get the ball rolling, I invite Mila Kunis. She's been on at me for aaaaaages to come round and I've been like 'I'm like, busy" and she's been like "But I wanna like, see you", so in the end this morning I just called her and was like "ok you can come to my dinner party". Like. She is hot but that isn't why she's invited. It's for other reasons. That I currently can't recall. Plus, she was practically married to Macauley Culkin for a while so I should at least have an outside chance.

Home Alone 6 was a bit 'off message'

So, three more. I need a wing man, someone with a bit of wit, someone who can laugh us to the brink of enjoyment. Owen Wilson wanted to come, but I've heard he's still got something of a coke problem and I can't deal with that shit when I've got cheese and pineapple sticks to construct. I look through my contacts. Simon Pegg? Hmmm, funny, but since he hit the big-time he says 'awesome' a lot and plus he refuses to get the 26 bus here after dark. So I settle on Vince Vaughn, I know he's not hilarious, but he always brings plenty of booze and we can rib him about how he 'used to be quite famous. And thinner'.

Shirt and tie would have been sufficient

Now I'm halfway there, need to add some gravitas to this night, someone with a bit of life experience, but who also won't mind playing spin the bottle with some empty Lambrini. Russell Crowe is in town, but he would definitely try and nail Kunis (probably in my room), so that's out of the question. I can't risk inviting De Niro or Pacino as things would inevitably get a bit 'shouty', so I decide to invite Ian McKellen. 

That's right, fucking Gandalf is coming for dinner. Partly because he will command respect and add a bit of high-brow conversation that will leave Vaughn struggling. But mostly because he's gay and so will in no way try to nail Mila. 

Leave some room for the cheeseboard Vince

Now there's only one more seat to fill, and I'm aware of the need to redress the male/female balance here, and I need to aim high if McKellen isn't going to just down the free punch and fuck off to Wetherspoons when it's gone. Michelle Pfeiffer would always be welcome, but is far too classy to walk up Hackney Road without getting hassle so I strike her off the list. Plus I've heard she doesn't like Vienetta so we would probably clash over dessert. I briefly consider offering the place to Jodie Foster, but she seems very serious and would be unlikely to appreciate the moment after dinner when I ask everyone to stick an After Eight on their forehead and try to get in their mouths without touching it.

NOT INVITED! GUTTED!

So, with time running out, and a severe lack of Hollywood A-list actresses in the vicinity of E2, I compromise. Sandra Bullock said she'd be up for it but I think she nicked an ashtray last time she came over so I'm not letting her back in until that situation is resolved. So Meryl Streep gets the nod, her and McKellen will get on like a house on fire I reckon, and she can make jokes that will go way over Vince Vaughn's head to keep us all entertained. 

So there we have it, Vaughn, Kunis, McKellen, Streep, and me. 24 WKD's in the fridge, Um Bungo vodka jellies setting nicely, and 2 packs of Iceland's premium party snack selections in the oven. 

No. You can't come. *

* Epilogue: The night didn't go well. Vince brought Owen Wilson along, Wilson was a bit depressed and so they sat in my room mostly drinking Famous Grouse and playing on my old mega-drive. It also turns out McKellen's whole 'gay thing' is basically a ruse to sleep with women. He had Kunis in the spare room in between the starter and main course. Streep was basically just concerned how I'd got her number. And took home most of the wine she'd brought with her. Rude bitch.

Star Wars, French Women, and Lying.

I've never seen 'Star Wars'. I mean, I've seen bits when it's been on TV, I can do a decent Chewbacca impression (ask me to do it, it's seriously pretty good), and I could probably name 80% of the characters. But................ I haven't seen it. To be honest, it looks shit. I prefer stuff like Lord of The Rings, y'know, a bit of realism.

Hmm. Strong look.

The thing is; (I'm not sure that should be a semi-colon there, it just felt right)

Anyway, the thing is, I have probably pretended to see 'Star Wars' about 30 times. I could be at a dinner party (shut up, I could) and someone would ask something about C3P0 or some fucking Ewok and I would KNOW what they're talking about. But...............still haven't seen it. 

It reminds me of one night at Uni, there was a film night for us students to 'mingle' and discuss our 'passion'. So I turned up expecting the worst, but it was even worse than that. A room of pretentious twats in berets, wearing long macs and occasionally trotting out phrases like 'mise-en-scene' AS IF IT WAS NOTHING. One particularly twattish beret wearer turned to me at some point and asked my opinion on Godard's 'A Bout De Souffle' (he didn't say 'Godard's', I just know this now know coz I like films 'n' that). When I told aforementioned bearded wanker that I hadn't seen it, the rage just welled up in his head as if I had just touched his grandma under the dining table.

This kind of tosser.

"You do know this is a film course right?! Did you think it was going to be repeat showings of 'Armageddon' at various Odeons for 3 years'?! 

          I searched deep within myself for a witty retort, something to show this bearded, bereted bellend that I was his academic equal, that me not seeing an 'important film' didn't make my love for cinema any less genuine than his. That retort never came, but I did tell him that at least my girlfriend didn't look like the Japanese chick from 'The Ring'. (In his defence, he appreciated the reference). But the point is this (colon/semi colon): Film can be snobby, as can the people who make it and invariably talk about it, and it's hugely unattractive. I do it myself, turning my nose up at people who 'don't do films with subtitles', or sighing deliberately loudly if someone lists 'Bad Boys' as anything other than utter shit. 

"Terrific"/ Not bad

I've seen 'Citizen Kane', still widely regarded as the best film ever made. Seen it twice, just to make sure I hadn't missed the point first time around. But I hadn't. Was it well made? Of course? Technically supreme? I guess for the time, it probably was. But fiercely entertaining? Hmmm......I prefer 'Die Hard' to be honest. 

But still, to this day, if there is a film I think I know enough about to engage in conversation about, I will still sometimes pretend I've seen it. It happened last year when over a drink a girl started talking about 'Babel'. 

She was exactly like this.

She didn't even ask if I'd seen it, she was one of these people (French) who assumed that if you were good enough to be in her company you simply must have seen it. But after 15 minutes of listening to her detonate bombs of boredom all over the place, I could not have given less of a shit. The potential for her to be someone massively interesting and enjoyable to listen to had disappeared, along with the storyline of 'Babel', up it's own arse. There's a lot to be said for loving a subject and knowing a lot about it, but when that love becomes elitist and pretentious, it's time to stick on 'Old School' and sit in your pants eating pizza for once like the rest of us*

LOVEFILM list of Top Ten films people pretend to have seen (2011) and a 'BladeRunner' trailer, to save you the bother.

1. The Godfather (30 per cent)

2. Casablanca (13 per cent)
3. Taxi Driver (11 per cent)
4. 2001: A Space Odyssey (9 per cent)  
5. Reservoir Dogs (8 per cent)
6. This Is Spinal Tap (7 per cent)
7. Apocalypse Now (6 per cent)
8. Goodfellas (5 per cent)
=8. Blade Runner (5 per cent)
10. The Great Escape (4 per cent)

* not me

Cameo-No.

'Django Unchained': For 100 minutes, it's funny, sharp, dramatic, classy, and deeply absorbing as all good flicks are. Then, utterly predictably, comes the inevitable Tarantino cameo. This is fine, he made the thing, can we really begrudge him (and his ego) a brief foray onto the screen to share a slice of the limelight? Ordinarily, no. But on this occasion he emerges towards the climax of the film, and COMPLETELY takes you out of it, because Quentin Tarantino and acting are about as compatible as Chris Brown and women's lib.

As dramatic as his face gets

With his stupid nose, ridiculous accent, and horrific sense of timing, it's the cinematic equivalent of a wedding videographer turning the camera on himself halfway through the best man's speech just to shout 'waaasssssuuuuuuupp'. If you want a cameo, and you clearly do QT, stick yourself at the start as some nondescript nobody, realise the effect you have of rolling in towards the end and reminding people that, for all your talent, you're still an egotistical bellend.

Of course, the big screen cameo is almost as old as the big screen itself, and directors such as Peter Jackson can frequently be glimpsed in their own work. But Jackson's style is 'blink and you'll miss it', non-speaking, and (most importantly) not intrusive. The fact that he's about as photogenic as roadkill probably dictates this, but still. 

Shyamalan - Creepy looking fucker isn't he?

Alfred Hitchcock famously appeared in 37 of his own films, and I doubt there would have been anyone around ballsy enough to try and make him change his mind. But, again, he was mostly peripheral, rarely distracting enough to make you stop and think about what you're watching. 

More recently, 'The Sixth Sense' director M. Night Shyamalan consistently popped up his pictures (drug dealer in 'Unbreakable', doctor in 'The Sixth Sense'). Shyamalan is equally as shit an actor as QT, but seems to realise this, and take himself back behind the lens before too much damage is done. (He also gives himself the glory of revealing the twist in 'The Village'. Smarmy little shit). 

During the late Eighties Spike Lee who took the cameo to new lengths, almost playing a supporting role in films such as 'Jungle Fever' and 'Do The Right Thing'. Lee isn't the greatest screen actor around, but compared to the likes of Shyamalan and Tarantino, he's positively Brando-esque.

Mean Streets. Like Tottenham, but with better hair

But perhaps the most dramatic cameo impact comes from the old master Martin Scorcese in 1973's 'Mean Streets'. Appearing right at the end as an uncredited hitman, he then proceeds to blow the film's two major characters away. (If you haven't seen it, and I've just ruined the ending for you, then you probably shouldn't wait 40 years after it's release to watch it. Also, at the end of The Sixth Sense, turns out he's a ghost. Soz.) Scorcese also shows he can really act by confidently sharing the screen with De Niro, playing a neurotic cab passenger in 'Taxi Driver'.

But cameos should be brief, funny, and do we actually know what the director looks like half the time anyway? 2003's 'Old School' this perfectly, director Todd Phillips turning up at Owen Wilson's door and simply stating: "I'm here for the gang bang". Brief, concise, and then gone. But let's end this how we started, by criticizing decent people. The worst cameo in history (and it is the worst) doesn't come from a director, but from Matt Damon. In 2004 he was pretty much at the top of his game, a true A-lister, respected, rich, and could choose his projects. So fuck knows why he did this:

Sex. Cinema. Rules.

So I'm having a drink with a friend who I haven't seen for a couple of months. After about 20 minutes covering work, where we live, how having no money is depressing, and what a cock the bloke by the bar wearing wristbands is, she tells me she's going on a date the next night with someone from a dating website.

"Cool, where you gonna go? We live in London, dates can get pretty creative".

"Yeah.........that's true. But The Great Gatsby is on and he really wants to see it, plus I love Leo and he knows a cool place to eat nearby" 

WHOAH THERE A FUCKING MINUTE.

This is the problem with society. Ok, apart from class divides, crime, poverty, etc, this is the problem with society. Cinema is not for dates. Let me attempt to tell you why:

Wood Green. Dreadful.

1) I've been in a cinema whilst an obvious 'date' has been going on behind me. I remember it well. I went to see 'Blue Valentine' in Wood Green (don't judge). They talked through the ads (fine, we all do), then chuntered on about their mutual friend well into the trailers (pushing it), but then had the AUDACITY to talk like giggling little shits a good 5 minutes into the picture. Sorry folks, but just because there are credits on the screen doesn't mean the film hasn't started. This isn't fucking EastEnders. 

Disgusting behaviour

2) There's one thing arguably worse than the chatters. There are those (my mate Phil is one) who just see the cinema as a kind of dark, short stay hotel, a place where it's ok to touch the inside of your dates thigh whilst watching 'Avatar'. Obviously the Na'avi were a bigger turn on than I'd realised. This has only happened to me once, at a midnight showing of Public Enemies, with a guy and a girl so obviously not there for the film it was untrue. It was possibly more uncomfortable because I had taken a seat on the back row, blocking their first choice. So they resorted to Row H, which was great as my view of the left half of the screen, Johnny Depp, and Marion Cotillard were obscured for about 20 minutes by this girl's bobbing head.

3) Because the first two points might seem a bit bitter, let me redress the balance. A few years ago I was going out with a girl and we decided to go and watch Iron Man. Being a bit of a romantic, I went the extra mile and paid an additional £2.50 so we could watch it somewhere with a slightly bigger screen. And with less pikeys. So we are in there about 15 minutes, she'd had a drink (twelve drinks), and whispers 'come on let's just go back to mine'. I realise now that maybe I should have gone, maybe she was The One. But...............

I'VE PAID £28 FOR THESE TICKETS SO YOU WILL SIT THERE AND YOU WILL FUCKING LOVE IRON MAN UNTIL I SAY YOU CAN STOP.

Iron Man. Not a sex film.

But even though these points are slightly stupid, the fact remains that cinema is a different social medium compared to, for example, being at a gig, or a football match. Cinema often relies on detail, a momentary glance, a background movement, or a telling mise-en-scene. Film regularly demands attention to be fully appreciated. Cinema as a social experience is, at it's best, sublime. But it's also something that can be equally enjoyed in isolation, and lose nothing for it. The idea of a cinema 'date' is flawed until you are (minimum) 4 months in.

By this point, you should know enough about each other that, if you have another question or something you want to talk about, you should be comfortable enough to shut the fuck up with each other for two hours. Conversely, I often look around cinemas and see the couples so far gone who have given on up creative dates, for whom cinema is a chance to say 'yeah we went out for the night together' without actually having to look at each other for an extended period of time.

In the end my friend didn't really enjoy the date. Apparently he turned up twenty minutes into the film and then tried ordering for her at Masala Zone afterwards. 

I love being right.