Sex. Cinema. Rules.

So I'm having a drink with a friend who I haven't seen for a couple of months. After about 20 minutes covering work, where we live, how having no money is depressing, and what a cock the bloke by the bar wearing wristbands is, she tells me she's going on a date the next night with someone from a dating website.

"Cool, where you gonna go? We live in London, dates can get pretty creative".

"Yeah.........that's true. But The Great Gatsby is on and he really wants to see it, plus I love Leo and he knows a cool place to eat nearby" 

WHOAH THERE A FUCKING MINUTE.

This is the problem with society. Ok, apart from class divides, crime, poverty, etc, this is the problem with society. Cinema is not for dates. Let me attempt to tell you why:

Wood Green. Dreadful.

1) I've been in a cinema whilst an obvious 'date' has been going on behind me. I remember it well. I went to see 'Blue Valentine' in Wood Green (don't judge). They talked through the ads (fine, we all do), then chuntered on about their mutual friend well into the trailers (pushing it), but then had the AUDACITY to talk like giggling little shits a good 5 minutes into the picture. Sorry folks, but just because there are credits on the screen doesn't mean the film hasn't started. This isn't fucking EastEnders. 

Disgusting behaviour

2) There's one thing arguably worse than the chatters. There are those (my mate Phil is one) who just see the cinema as a kind of dark, short stay hotel, a place where it's ok to touch the inside of your dates thigh whilst watching 'Avatar'. Obviously the Na'avi were a bigger turn on than I'd realised. This has only happened to me once, at a midnight showing of Public Enemies, with a guy and a girl so obviously not there for the film it was untrue. It was possibly more uncomfortable because I had taken a seat on the back row, blocking their first choice. So they resorted to Row H, which was great as my view of the left half of the screen, Johnny Depp, and Marion Cotillard were obscured for about 20 minutes by this girl's bobbing head.

3) Because the first two points might seem a bit bitter, let me redress the balance. A few years ago I was going out with a girl and we decided to go and watch Iron Man. Being a bit of a romantic, I went the extra mile and paid an additional £2.50 so we could watch it somewhere with a slightly bigger screen. And with less pikeys. So we are in there about 15 minutes, she'd had a drink (twelve drinks), and whispers 'come on let's just go back to mine'. I realise now that maybe I should have gone, maybe she was The One. But...............

I'VE PAID £28 FOR THESE TICKETS SO YOU WILL SIT THERE AND YOU WILL FUCKING LOVE IRON MAN UNTIL I SAY YOU CAN STOP.

Iron Man. Not a sex film.

But even though these points are slightly stupid, the fact remains that cinema is a different social medium compared to, for example, being at a gig, or a football match. Cinema often relies on detail, a momentary glance, a background movement, or a telling mise-en-scene. Film regularly demands attention to be fully appreciated. Cinema as a social experience is, at it's best, sublime. But it's also something that can be equally enjoyed in isolation, and lose nothing for it. The idea of a cinema 'date' is flawed until you are (minimum) 4 months in.

By this point, you should know enough about each other that, if you have another question or something you want to talk about, you should be comfortable enough to shut the fuck up with each other for two hours. Conversely, I often look around cinemas and see the couples so far gone who have given on up creative dates, for whom cinema is a chance to say 'yeah we went out for the night together' without actually having to look at each other for an extended period of time.

In the end my friend didn't really enjoy the date. Apparently he turned up twenty minutes into the film and then tried ordering for her at Masala Zone afterwards. 

I love being right.