Star Wars, French Women, and Lying.

I've never seen 'Star Wars'. I mean, I've seen bits when it's been on TV, I can do a decent Chewbacca impression (ask me to do it, it's seriously pretty good), and I could probably name 80% of the characters. But................ I haven't seen it. To be honest, it looks shit. I prefer stuff like Lord of The Rings, y'know, a bit of realism.

Hmm. Strong look.

The thing is; (I'm not sure that should be a semi-colon there, it just felt right)

Anyway, the thing is, I have probably pretended to see 'Star Wars' about 30 times. I could be at a dinner party (shut up, I could) and someone would ask something about C3P0 or some fucking Ewok and I would KNOW what they're talking about. But...............still haven't seen it. 

It reminds me of one night at Uni, there was a film night for us students to 'mingle' and discuss our 'passion'. So I turned up expecting the worst, but it was even worse than that. A room of pretentious twats in berets, wearing long macs and occasionally trotting out phrases like 'mise-en-scene' AS IF IT WAS NOTHING. One particularly twattish beret wearer turned to me at some point and asked my opinion on Godard's 'A Bout De Souffle' (he didn't say 'Godard's', I just know this now know coz I like films 'n' that). When I told aforementioned bearded wanker that I hadn't seen it, the rage just welled up in his head as if I had just touched his grandma under the dining table.

This kind of tosser.

"You do know this is a film course right?! Did you think it was going to be repeat showings of 'Armageddon' at various Odeons for 3 years'?! 

          I searched deep within myself for a witty retort, something to show this bearded, bereted bellend that I was his academic equal, that me not seeing an 'important film' didn't make my love for cinema any less genuine than his. That retort never came, but I did tell him that at least my girlfriend didn't look like the Japanese chick from 'The Ring'. (In his defence, he appreciated the reference). But the point is this (colon/semi colon): Film can be snobby, as can the people who make it and invariably talk about it, and it's hugely unattractive. I do it myself, turning my nose up at people who 'don't do films with subtitles', or sighing deliberately loudly if someone lists 'Bad Boys' as anything other than utter shit. 

"Terrific"/ Not bad

I've seen 'Citizen Kane', still widely regarded as the best film ever made. Seen it twice, just to make sure I hadn't missed the point first time around. But I hadn't. Was it well made? Of course? Technically supreme? I guess for the time, it probably was. But fiercely entertaining? Hmmm......I prefer 'Die Hard' to be honest. 

But still, to this day, if there is a film I think I know enough about to engage in conversation about, I will still sometimes pretend I've seen it. It happened last year when over a drink a girl started talking about 'Babel'. 

She was exactly like this.

She didn't even ask if I'd seen it, she was one of these people (French) who assumed that if you were good enough to be in her company you simply must have seen it. But after 15 minutes of listening to her detonate bombs of boredom all over the place, I could not have given less of a shit. The potential for her to be someone massively interesting and enjoyable to listen to had disappeared, along with the storyline of 'Babel', up it's own arse. There's a lot to be said for loving a subject and knowing a lot about it, but when that love becomes elitist and pretentious, it's time to stick on 'Old School' and sit in your pants eating pizza for once like the rest of us*

LOVEFILM list of Top Ten films people pretend to have seen (2011) and a 'BladeRunner' trailer, to save you the bother.

1. The Godfather (30 per cent)

2. Casablanca (13 per cent)
3. Taxi Driver (11 per cent)
4. 2001: A Space Odyssey (9 per cent)  
5. Reservoir Dogs (8 per cent)
6. This Is Spinal Tap (7 per cent)
7. Apocalypse Now (6 per cent)
8. Goodfellas (5 per cent)
=8. Blade Runner (5 per cent)
10. The Great Escape (4 per cent)

* not me